You probably read about the paradox of choice. The premise of the paradox is this: When you have too many options to choose from, it actually limits your freedom and causes more stress and regret when choosing the suboptimal option.
Not Making a decision
In my personal experience, the paradox holds true in many facets, including career, personal life, hobbies, etc. You could argue that life is a series of decisions.
I have always found it challenging to make decisions, to the point where I never even reached the stage of regretting a potentially bad choice. I chose the path of not making any decision – keeping all options open for the future. However, the problem lies here: not making a decision is the worst decision of all.
When faced with options A and B, there is always option C – not deciding. Option C is always the worst decision; you inevitably lose. This is where the paradox reveals its power. If you have too many options to choose from, the choice of not deciding becomes even more appealing. When you have two options, it’s relatively easy to list the pros and cons and make a decision. However, imagine having 20 different options – you don’t even know where to start comparing, so you’d rather not start at all.
The Trickle down Effect
When making simple decisions with a myriad of options, one can generally take time to evaluate the majority of them. Nowadays, advanced decision tools, comparison websites, and reviews provide assistance in making choices. I, like many others, have been guilty of taking days to research and analyze products, trying to determine the best one in terms of price/performance.
Manufacturers, service providers, and resellers thrive on this. There are numerous variations, specifications, and models, extending from food and clothing to internet providers – you name it.
The problem arises when this approach seeps into complex life decisions. The belief that you can analyze and break down every major decision in your life is, sadly, not realistic.
For significant life decisions, there are no advanced decision tools or websites to guide you. There’s no relationship doctor who can tell you if the person you’re dating is spouse material. Even worse, when you attempt to research such matters, overanalyzing kicks in, leading to self-doubt, comparisons with others, and a slippery slope.
The cycle of stagnation sets in quickly, and the option C – not deciding – becomes increasingly appealing. Thoughts like “Things will work out,” “Let’s see what happens,” and “It’s alright as it is” become default responses.
Overcontrolling Parents
From the moment of birth until reaching legal adulthood, parents are responsible for their children, making the majority of decisions for them. In my opinion, this can be unhealthy.
A good parent not only makes decisions for their children but also guides them in making the right choices. Allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them is crucial for building confidence and courage. However, in today’s parenting landscape, some parents tend to control every aspect of their children’s lives, preventing them from making decisions or learning from their mistakes.
Phrases like “Let me do this,” “Not like that,” “You don’t know how this works?” or “Are you blind?” are examples of detrimental parenting practices that can leave a child feeling indecisive or prone to making poor choices. Children subjected to such parenting often find themselves in a situation where whatever decision they make is deemed inadequate in their parents’ eyes.
Children, lacking tools to assert themselves against their parents’ will, may feel trapped. Communication and seeking assistance from family therapists are potential solutions, but these options are not always available. For many children facing such circumstances, the only way forward is to endure until they reach legal adulthood, allowing them the opportunity to earn and save money to eventually leave their parents household. The reality is that no one chooses their family.
Letting other People decide
My last point goes straight into this one. Many children fall into the trap of believing, ‘My parent wants the best for me’ (a sentiment we often hear in our youth), which is not always true. Toxic parents use that rhetoric to manipulate a child into aligning with their desires. Children may end up participating in sports, choosing a particular academic path, or succumbing to parental pressure to take over the family business.
In some cases, individuals find themselves in abusive relationships where their partner makes all the decisions, and they are merely ‘floating along.’ All the scenarios mentioned above are among the main causes of depression.
You end up giving pieces of yourself (your soul) without the ability to help yourself. This has been the way it always was, and you might believe it’s how it will always be. Feeling trapped and lost, not knowing your identity in life, experiencing the sensation of living someone else’s life—all contribute to these struggles.
Making the toughest decision
Transforming yourself is a life long process. It’s the scariest decision we make. That’s why I wanted to touch on it. The majority of people don’t want to make that decision for the reasons I will state below.
We all have big goals, the perfect schedule, all the tools, all the information. There are no excuses for not being at your best. We follow through for a week, a month and we fail back to our old ways. “I guess father/mother was right,” that’s what your subconscious says. What’s the point?
I am a failure
What I blame is all of social media, the news, and depictions of successful people. They rarely reveal the numerous times in life they have failed or the challenging process of achieving their goals. We often see the finished product, but the journey to create it is often hidden.
When reading Wikipedia articles, you might encounter a short paragraph about an artist or band, mentioning their years in the underground scene, performing at smaller events, etc. However, paragraphs about their success dominate the narrative.
Learning a valuable skill takes years, even for talented individuals, and even longer for those who may not possess natural talent. To make matters more challenging, if you struggle with concentration, lack study habits, or are a slow learner, it can add extra years to the process of acquiring those skills.
Feeling motivated yet?
What helped me
I will start with myself and my story so far. I have failed in life so many times I can’t even count. I flunked a year in high school, and I flunked a year in university. I didn’t confess to women that I liked because I didn’t have the courage. I stayed in a miserable job for 5 years because I didn’t see myself as capable for the reasons mentioned above. I quit countless routines, studies, and projects because I lacked discipline. I could go on for days.
Do I look at those experiences as failures? No, because this was my journey to becoming a man, to the person I am today. Did I always look at it like that? No, it took me years to overcome it.
Here are some general pieces of advice that helped me over the years. Take what you like with you and build your own routines/habits.
Start small and build yourself up. Can’t study for 1h a day? Study for 15 min per day; build yourself up. Even if you study for 15 min per day for a year, that’s around 90h per year. 90! If you start with 1h a day and quit in one month, that’s only around 30h. Compound interest, baby! The same goes for exercising.
Have fun; find something that is enjoyable. I hate cycling, so I don’t exercise with cycling.
When you study, try to really focus on the subject. One hour of deep learning is worth far more than studying for hours without understanding what you are doing.
Don’t fall into research or tutorial hell. Meaning, don’t spend more time researching a subject than actually studying and practicing it. The same goes for tutorials; don’t watch tutorials all the time. Practice what you are watching. For example, watch a tutorial on a subject, then revise it, practice it so you can implement it on your own. Believe me on that; everything seems easy until you have to do it on your own.
Nothing is as easy as it looks!
What else? Have fun; life is serious enough. Take time for yourself and have fun!
Peace, and God bless!